maybe it’s okay to drown

once i wake, i dive into the pools
of calm water on the leaves
on my skin
puddles on the ground
oceans replace those four walls
that never accomplished anything—except hold me back
and i catch sight of what lies ahead because
i finally realized my future resides in the sun

lately i have been too afraid of blistering
my skin is pale
i didn’t want to overheat
but illuminated candles no longer radiate enough light
they were always a waste of money

the fear generated a friendship with the
moon
an attachment i do not regret
though i find i need more
friends–connection–conversation–
i’m a strong believer in delayed satisfaction &
fifteen second chances

i’m learning that it is okay to be alone with my thoughts
when the earth needs the human in me
i need the currents to pull me under
my lungs may be filled with water
but i have never inhaled so wholly.

wash in cold water only; lay flat to dry

my room is clean and my insides are messy

the disaster of a closet you apologize for is me–my head,

my thoughts, unable to stay on hangers no matter how durable,

strung out all over shoes, responsibilities

so i plan an escape.

never have i been without a plan:

a backup plan;

three more backup plans…

four different possibilities i must be prepared for at all times.

and then there is always the chance that my four plans may each fail

but what if the universe conspires against me–

i feel it pushing and pulling at my hair lately

and i am left with numb legs and a jittery heart because how can i ever be prepared

for the uncertain?

that closet is a black hole and i shy away from any attention because

i cannot bear to take someone else–another life–down with me;

i must ask for your forgiveness.

you are unaware of my birthday; you haven’t a clue of my favorite color and

i’m already apologizing;

the closet is bursting at the seams, another hanger cannot possibly fit–

you’d end up in the back, on the floor, in a ball anyways.

impatient

i went to the lourve once

and couldn’t enjoy the art of structure surrounding me

the line was too long

i cannot sit around for my body is too quivering

my mind too unrelenting

and i need something new every minute

i’m bored

and i promise i’m not sitting around

waiting for you like a lost puppy

in the movies that’s abandoned in a dark alley in the rain

but I’ve always been a sucker for animals—

lost causes

can you blame me

the rain falls from my eyes and i sit in the dark

waiting

damn i’m still waiting

everything i write is about you and i can’t stop

obsessing

each page is covered in nonsense and i tear out each page

tear them to shreds so the words are no longer readable

maybe then i can forget they exist—

i want to forget that you exist.

my mind runs a million miles a second

guess how many thoughts belong to you

have your name blazing, unapologetically

you are my actuality

my liver

the heel of my foot

without you, how can i be expected to walk

but then again alcohol was always poison to the liver

so maybe if i drink until

i don’t taste your hair in my mouth

or feel your words in my veins

i can stop waiting

on something that’s never been taught how to tell time.