not everyone will understand anxiety, and that’s okay

a little something different than usual. i have been truly inspired lately by beautiful people dealing with not so beautiful battles.  the connotations of the words anxiety and panic are negative and degrading, causing sufferers to retreat further into themselves.  i, from first hand experiences, know how embarrassing it is to panic and have everyone look at you differently; like a monster or a crazy person.  honestly it is 2015 and people struggle with different battles–who are you to put down an innocent person for something they cannot contol?  i hope this speaks to you.

xoxo

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anywhere, anytime

maybe there is a trigger, sometimes there isn’t. maybe it just happens.  i know too often when i am walking down a flight of stairs or opening my car door, i suddenly cannot breathe.  like placing my foot on the last step or unlocking my car somehow turned off a switch inside of me that usually reminds me how to live.

am i breathing? am i even existing?
i can’t be alive.
how can i be living but drowning in my own body?
i think i forgot how to breathe–i think i am dying

i remember learning about cellular respiration in biology but the professor never mentioned what happens when your lungs forget how to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide and your body betrays you as if it wants to expel your sole being from its flesh cage.  a sort of heaviness decided to shack up right next to my heart and take up a majority of the space in my chest.

“relax, there is nothing to worry about.”
i want to be okay! i want to relax!

but crawl inside my body at this very moment and feel my lungs expand fully but never enough, feel my legs buckle and listen to my thoughts reach deep, dark places in my mind i never even knew existed.

most nights, falling asleep takes hours because my thoughts take over my being and i have never felt so physically trapped when my mind–my subconscious–my psyche–paralyzes me right then and there. my mind is still at war with my body; my ribs have been seized and the lack of oxygen makes my hands go numb.  i don’t understand how it happens–how it’s possible.

but anxiety is all too familiar and i feel as if i have only explained .05% of what it really is.

i am starting to realize that some things do not make sense yet they can impact a person’s life in the greatest way–after having panic attacks for years, i have yet to find a solution in controlling the symptoms; then again, i continue to learn my limits every day and i think that is rather important in defining my character.  more times than not, i am kept from doing seemingly fun and normal things because of the severe panic i experience at just the thought of everyday activities.  i am still learning who i am and maybe that is the most important lesson.

i am never not filled with shame because i am always nervous–biting my nails, eyes filled with tears, heavy breathing–it is not easy and it never has been.  but i made it out alive.

i am alive.